Friday, 17 October 2014

On the origins of Santa

Children in Europe never got chocolate treats for Christmas before the voyage of Christopher Columbus to Americas because cocoa is native to the Americas. From this observation we can deduct several interesting pieces of knowledge. It appears that the operations of Arctic Santa were restricted to Europe and Asia from the fact that he was not able to give his customers any foods which originated in the New World. Given that the children in the New World did receive food treats native to the Americas is appears fairly safe to conclude that there was another Santa delivering there. Although I so far have no conclusive evidence to support it,  I strongly suspect that this Santa had his HQ in Antarctica. It would appear that Arctic Santa and Antartic Santa were bitterly opposed to each other and were very territorial, absolutely forbidding each other from even using the other's air space let alone landing on their patch. It looks like they kept their presents catalogue  top secret from each other. I suspect that they each demonized their competitor by called the other "black". Having thoroughly reviewed all the books written by Elves, dwarfs and gnomes that I could find I have discovered that their legend has it that Arctic Santa was all white prior to 1492 and there are oral histories which suggest the American Santa was all red. So I guess that what the Antarctic Santa meant when she accused the Arctic Santa of being all "white" was that he was, in our modern day parlance "black" and when the Arctic Santa accused the American Santa of being all "red" that he too meant "black". At any rate it is a great pity that there weren't  international  trade exhibitions in those early days otherwise Antarctic and Arctic Santas might have met and discovered that they weren't so different from each other after all, in fact they probably shared more similarities than differences. Then they might have exchanged present information and indeed traded their wares. This would have enriched the life of their children a lot sooner than having to wait for Christopher Columbus to break the ice. However it appears that after 1492 something happened that broke the deadlock. Maybe it was the Europeans discovering that there were lots of tasty treats to eat over the Americas and consequently they started writing wish lists to Arctic Santa. A similar thing happened in the Americas. So my guess is that the Arctic Santa arranged to meet the Antarctic Santa on Greenland and having shared a few sherries and carrots with each other one thing probably led to another and before long Arctic Santa found that Antarctic Santa was in fact the opposite sex and quite nice actually. Well to cut a long story short I think what happened was that after a few years there was the patter of several little red and white Santas running around. Santas age much more slowly than regular humans and so these offspring of the original American Red Santa and the Arctic white Santa are now delivering our presents each Christmas.
     I admit that some of this is indeed conjecture and will need to be proven by scientific blood sampling of our extant Santas to see if they share the same DNA as the first Mr & Mrs Santa.
   I guess I might hear you cry what about the African & Australian children, where was their Santa? Well obviously the simple explanation there is that they don't get a proper winter so they can hardly expect to get the presents for having endured it, also their houses have a shortage of chimney's for Santa to slide down.  

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