Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Oh God I want a windsurfer, Don't Answer Me No

I expect the topic of how the authors of the Bible had no idea whatsoever of what the 21st century would be like is too obvious and has been covered too many times to include in a book but there could have been a chapter in "How to defend the Christian faith: from Jesus failure to identify any 21st century technology"
How come if Jesus was standing on the shores of the Sea of Galilee that he didn't miraculously prophecy something unknowable like, "One day people will windsurf across this lake with a sail made from a plastic called monofilm surrounded by Kevlar, a mast made of carbon fibre & a board of polystyrene & wood core with carbon fibre shell and they shall sail like a bat out of hell. Oh God why must I have been born 21 centuries too soon, if it be thy will magically create a Neil Pryde rig with Fanatic board, but not my will but thine be done.....No ? Why is it always fucking no. God damn" followed by a flash of lightning and Jesus disappearing in a cloud of smoke with the booming voice from the sky, "You wanted carbon you got toasted"
N.B the word, "fucking" mentioned in the preceding dialogue is not gratuitous swearing but rather an acronym for: 
"Frustration, Unhappiness, Crossness, Kvetching"
Also "DAMN" is an acronym for, "Don't Answer Me No"
For a vision of the future See Youtube video :
Israel - Extreme WindSurfing - Beach Tour - Sea Of Galilee - Round #4 on Gil Ziny channel

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Swear words as acronyms

What if swear words were actually thought of as acronyms so that the letters of each word stood for something else, the meaning of the swear word would be largely changed then there would be less need to worry about saying it ?

For example
SUGAR = Swearing Unnecessarily Grieves Aging Relatives
     or          Swearing Usually Grieves All Religious

DAMN  ( For office related situations ) = Didn't Amend My Notes
                                                                   = Didn't Attend Meeting; Necessary
                                                                    = Don't Approach Me Now
                                                                     = Didn't Approve, Moaning Noise
                                                                   = Dismay Anger Misery Nuisance
                                                                  = Distressingly Angry Miserable Noise

SHIT = Swearing Habitually Inhibits Thought
          = Sorry Have Irate Thoughts
          = Sorry Have Intestinal Troubles
           = Smelly House, Initially Toilet
          = Severely Hateful Illegal Thesis
           = Scorching Hot Ibizan Temperatures
           = Some Heat Immediately Thanks
          = She has irritable temperament
          = Should Have Insured Treasures
          = Some Have It Tough
           = Some Have Inflationary Troubles
           = Some Help Immediately Thanks
           = Sound Horn In Trouble
           = Shot Hind In Thigh
           = Skived Home, In Trouble
           = Sent Home, In Trouble
            = Sneaked Home Illegally, Truanting
            =Some How Its True
            = Should Have Investigated Thoroughly
           = Sex Hardly Is Terrific
           = Secure Help If Threatened
           = Secure Hold If Threatened
            = Shoot Harpoon If Threatened
           = Should Have Incinerated Trash
           = Some How I Tripped
            = Severely Harassed, Internet Troubles
            = Should Have Ignored Testaments
            = Should Have Investigated Testaments
             = She Has Intolerant Theology
            = Sounds Horrible, Investigate Tuner

SHIT HOT = She Has Irresistible Tits, Hot

FUCK ( while windsurfing ) = Fallen Under Capsized Keeled
            ( while struggling to clear sail to waterstart ) = Frustrating Under Currents Knut
             ( while watching motor racing ) = Failed Unexpectedly Crashed Killed
                                                                     Failed Useless Conked Kinked
             ( failing to be on the ball ) =  Forgotten Unfortunately, Cursing, Kopfschmertzen
             ( On dropping something ) = Fallen  Unfortunately Cracked Knackered
                                                             Fallen Unhappily Crashed Konked
              (general displeasure) = Frustration Unhappiness Consternation Kvetching
              ( tummy upset ) = Farting Uncontrollably Crappy Knickers
              ( gastronomic ) = Foods Unacceptable; Chili, Korma
                                            Foods Unacceptable; Calabrese, Kohlrabi
                                             Fish Unacceptable; Cod, Kippers
                                              Fish, Urchins, Cod, Kippers
              ( marriage )       = Female Unacceptable; Caty, Katy
                                         =Female Unwed, Condition Knocked (up)
                                         = Focus Unbalanced Calamity Knells / Knocks
             ( science fiction ) = Far Universe Comes Knocking
                                              Futuristic Unworldly Comes Knocking
             (When Castle Door Broken Down During Seige ) = Failed Under Colossal Knocking
                                            = Fallen Under Charging Knights
                                            = Fainted Under Charming King
Lebian rejection of Male proposal= Fellatio Unwelcome, Clitoris Kissed

GOD = Grief Over Disaster
              Grief Over Distress
               Gloom Over Depression
               Gloom Over Dismay / Diappointment

FLAMES = Fuming Lamentation Anger Muttering Expletives Stress

CRAP = Criticism Rage Annoyance Petulance

PISS = Passionate Irate Swearing Severely
             Passionate Irate Scold Swear
             Please Insist Swearing Stops
              Please Inhibit Sweary Sentences
            Petulantly Insist Swearing Stops

CHRIST = Cursing Habitually Really Isn't Socially Tolerable
                    Cursing Habitually Really Impairs Sensible Thought
                  Cursing Habitually Really Isn't Satisfactory Though
                   Cursing Horribly, Raging Interminably, Swearing Trooperishly


HELL = Horrible Expletives Loud Lamentations
            = Hateful, Extreme, Livid, Lyrics
            ( On way to airport realizing you forgot a bag )= "Hold Everything, Left Luggage"
            ( In arrivals not finding bags ) = "Help Essential Lost Luggage"
             ( On witnessing fatality ) =" Has Expired, Lost Life "
            ( Medical ) Have Encephalitis, Lost Lucidity

JESUS = Just Extremely Silly Unverified Superstitions

MALFUNCTION = Making A Living From Untrue Nonsensical Cruel Theological Idiotic Objectionable Notions

THINK = That Honestly Is Not Known

WOHA = Watch Out Hot Aga

SWAT = Son Whacked And Thumped

SHAT = Summer Has Arrived Thankfully

SHOT= Steak Has Overcooked Terribly

SHUT = Skived Home Until Two


Mother returns home and sees Son there during school hours
Mother: SHIT = Sneaked Home Illegally, Truanting ?!
Son      : NO SHIT = Sent Home In Trouble
Father : SHIT = Surely He Is Trustworthy
Mother: NO SHIT = Some How Its True
Father: SHIT = Suspend His Internet Time
Mother: NO SHIT = Son Has Incoherent Tantrum
Father:  SHIT = Some How I'll Teach (him)
Mother : NO SHIT = Son Has Intellectual Troubles
Father: SHIT = So Have It Then