I like the idea about, "focus on the best in your spouse", also her idea about not getting too focussed on what you see as the problem. Try to refocus on a future holiday, book , film, outing, music. The internet can provide endless distraction.
Hope that the clouds will clear, persevere
1 Peter 4v8, "Love covers over a multitude of sins"
Shaunti Feldhahn made a good point about, "Maybe there is a more charitable interpretation or explanation for their behaviour" ?
I think it is helpful to ask, "What is your sticking point ?" or to think, "What is their sticking point ?" Have I really got an accurate idea about why they did that or am I fearing the worst? Well there are probably many factors in their decision.
Tolerate each others tantrums. Think of Jesus words in John 8 - let he who is without sin throw the first stone, then neither do I. [ easy to excuse your own tantrums but other's remarks jar ] People say stuff in the heat of the moment that was exaggerated, OTT and they didn't mean it, they regret it but then find it difficult to apologize. They were trying to persuade you to do something but what they did was counterproductive.
Think of the more moderate, euphemistic thing they probably meant to say but were too angry to. eg
"You are impossible"="I can't think what to say to you, help me out here"
"I hate you"="I love you (mostly ) but I'm really annoyed you did that, please don't do it again"
Just accept that stuff happens, nothing is perfect, shrug forget it, 1 Cor 13v4," love keeps no record of wrongs." move on, tell yourself- that was yesterday, try and find something they will like to hear today.
Sometimes it is loving to say, " zip it, skip it"
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Prov. 15:1)
Practice gratitude, choose to make it a habit.
Look both ways -Things could be better but they could be worse
I see Shuanti Feldhahn has a Youtube channel, see video, "Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages - Shaunti Feldhahn's Latest Research"